The Busted Ex-Texan, and Other Stories Read online

accident he found himself inpossession of actual property. 'There is a calf,' I said; 'I've only hadto wait six days for that calf to materialize. Suppose another calfshould materialize in six days.' I extracted a pencil from my pocket andbegan to figure. I multiplied that calf by six--I mean that at the endof six days I multiplied that calf by another calf. Every time I putdown a new multiplier I took a look at the calf, and every time I lookedat the calf it multiplied itself, as it were, until I felt the fullforce of the Texan's statement, save that, the more I multiplied, themore I felt that seven thousand five hundred and twenty-three did notfairly represent the certainties of the speculation. That cow wouldsurely make a millionnaire of me yet--if nothing happened.

  "But, gentleman, something did happen, and it happened in this wise: Youhave doubtless, by this, concluded that the cow was a wild cow. The manwho sold her to me had not put it precisely that way. He had representedher to me as a cow of mild manners, thoroughly domesticated, of thesweetest possible temper, used to the women folks, playful withchildren,--in short, a creature of such amiability that she actuallylonged to be petted. But I had already discovered that her manners weresomewhat abrupt, and that either the man did not understand the natureof the cow or I did not understand the man. I was convinced that, if shehad ever been domesticated, it had been done by some family every memberof which had died in the process, or had suddenly moved out of thecountry only a short distance ahead of her, and that she had utterlyforgotten her early training. Still, I had no doubt but that heramiability was there, although temporarily somewhat latent, and that theinfluences of a gentle spirit would revive the dormant sensibilities ofher nature. 'The sight of a milk-pail,' I said to myself, 'will surelyawaken the reminiscences of her early days, and of that sweet home-lifewhich was hers when she yielded at morn and at night her gladcontribution to the nourishment of a Christian family.'

  "There was on my ranch a servitor of foreign extraction who did mycooking for what he could eat,--Chin Foo by name,--and to him I calledto bring me the large tin pail, which served the household--which, likemost Texan households in the Tertiary period, so to speak, of theirfortunes, was conducted on economic principles--as a washtub, achip-basket, a water-bucket, and a dinner-gong. It also occurred to me,as I stood looking at the cow and caught the spirit of her expression,so to speak, that, as she had come to stay, was a permanent fixture ofthe establishment, as it were, Chin Foo might as well do the milkingfirst as last. Moreover, as the Texan from whom I purchased her hadassured me that she was a kind of household pet, the children's friend,and took to women folks naturally, the case was a very clear one. For,as Chin Foo had long hair, wore no hat, and dressed in flowing drapery,the cow, unless she was more of a physiologist than I gave her creditfor, would be in doubt somewhat as to the sex of the Chinaman; andbefore she had time to ruminate upon it and reach a dead-sureconclusion, the milking would be over; and I would have scored the firstpoint in the game, if she was a cow of ability, had any trumps, and wasup to any tricks, as it were. So I told Chin Foo, as he approached withthe pail in his hand, that the cow was a splendid milker, thoroughlydomesticated, accustomed to Chinamen, and that he might have the honorof milking her first. I remarked, furthermore, that, as everythingabout the place was new to her, and she was a little nervous, I wouldgently attract her attention in front, while he proceeded to extract thedelicious fluid. I charged him, in addition, to remember that it wasalways the best policy to approach a cow of her temperament in a boldand indifferent manner, as if he had milked her all his life, and getdown to business at once; and that any hesitation or show of nervousnesson his part would tend to make her more nervous.

  "I must say that Chin Foo acted in a highly creditable manner,considering he was in a strange land, and, to my certain knowledge, hadno money laid by for funeral expenses; for, while I was stirring thedust and flourishing my stick in a desultory manner in front of the cow,to divert her mind, and keep her thoughts from wandering backward toodirectly, he fluttered boldly up to her, and laid firmly hold of twoteats, with the familiarity of an old acquaintance."

  At this point of his narration the stranger paused a moment. There was asort of plaintive look on his face, and he gazed at the plates with anexpression in his eyes of sorrowful recollection.

  "I cannot say," he resumed, as one who speaks oppressed with a sense ofuncertainty, "exactly what did happen, for I never saw the Chinamanagain until he alighted. I only know that when he came down he waspractically inside the pail, and that he sat in it a moment with a kindof dreamy eastern look on his face, as if he lived on the isle of Patmosand had seen a vision. And when he had crawled out of the pail he wentdirectly into the house, saying, 'The Melican man is dam foolee to tryto milkee that cussee!' or words to that effect.

  PRACTICALLY INSIDE THE PAIL.]

  "But I did not agree with him. I reflected that the Chinese are only animitative race, and wholly lacking in original perception. 'They neverinvent anything,' I said; 'never study into causes, never get down toprinciples, as it were. It requires a purely occidental intellect tomaster the problem before me. This cow has a strong disinclination to bemilked. Why? What is the motive of her conduct? If I could only answerthat!' All at once it came to me,--came like a flash. The reason wasplain. 'This cow is a mother. The maternal instinct in her case isbeautifully developed. Her reasoning faculties less so. She has a calf.To her mind, we are trying to rob her beloved offspring of itsnourishment. She naturally resents this injustice on our part. Beautifuldevelopment of maternity,' I apostrophized, as I looked at the cow inthe light of this new revelation. 'Thy instincts are those that sweetenthe world, and remind us of the benignity that planned the universe. Iwill bring thy calf to thee. I will show thee that I am not devoid ofthe spirit of equity; that I am ready to go shares and play fair, as itwere. Thy calf shall take one side of thee. I will take the other, andthy soul will come forth to me in gratitude!'

  "I was delighted. I went directly to the pen, and gazed benevolently atthe calf. The little imp was blacker, if possible, than its mother.There was that same peculiar look also in its eyes. 'You're all hers!' Ijoyfully cried, 'you are your mother's own child!' I seized hold of theneck-rope. I opened the pen-door and I went out through that doorquicker than a vagrant cat ever got round a corner of a house where aScotch terrier boards. The calf went under the cow and I struck her,head on. But I had come to stay. I grabbed the pail with one hand and ateat with the other. I tugged it, pulled it, twisted it. Not a dropcould I start. A suction pump of twenty horse-power would have found itdrier than Sahara, and all the while the calf's mouth, on the otherside, was actually running over with milk! In two minutes he looked likea black watermelon. Then the cow, with a kind of back action,suddenly reached out one foot, and when I came to I found myselffacing a mulberry tree, with one leg on each side of it.

  "AND WHEN I CAME DOWN."]

  "By this time I had reached a decision, and I had the courage of myconvictions. I felt it to be my duty to milk that cow. I reminded her inplain, straightforward language that I was the son of a deacon, and thatshe'd find it out before she got through with me. I assured her that Iunderstood the beauty of righteousness, and that I held a strong hand--astraight flush, as it were. I was well aware that the metaphor wassomewhat mixed; but it expressed my sentiments and relieved my feelings,and so I fired it at her point-blank. She snorted and pawed andbellowed, and swore at me in cow-language, but I didn't care for that.So I shook the old, battered milk-pail in her face, and told her I wasborn in Connecticut, and did business on spot-cash principle; and thatshe would know more of the commandments than any cow of her color inTexas, before we said our long farewell.

  "By this time the matter had attracted a good deal of attention, for Ihad carried on my conversation with the cow in the voice of a tragedianwhen the chief villain of the play has stolen his girl, and my nextneighbor, an old sea-captain from Mattagorda Bay, and his hired men hadcome over to assist me. They were of the nature of a reenforcement,which consisted of the captain,
a Mexican, a Michigan man thatstuttered, and two negroes--Napoleon Bonaparte de Neville Smith, andGeorge Washington Marlborough Johnsing, by name. Hence we were six inall, and I decided to take the offensive at once. The captain wasadvanced in years and rheumatic, but a clearheaded man, used to command,and had 'boarded,' as he expressed it, 'several of the----crafts in hisown waters.' So I put him in charge of the marines, namely, ourselves,and told him to fight the ship for all she was worth. He caught on tothe thing at once, and swore he would 'sweep the old black hulk foreand aft, and send every mother's son to the bottom, or make her strikeher colors.' The vigor of the gallant old gentleman's language, and thenoble manner in which he shook his cane at the old pirate, put us all ingood spirits,