The Busted Ex-Texan, and Other Stories Read online

kindled into heat at thetouch of their enthusiasm. Where every venture was sure of successfulissue, there was no need for deliberation or selection. I investedindiscriminately in all, and waited buoyantly for the results."

  Here the stranger paused, compelled, perhaps, by a slight interruption.Dick had retired, closely followed by the major. Our guest certainly wasnot devoid of humor, and I was convinced, as I watched the play of hisfeatures, that he apprehended and appreciated the reason for theirretirement. He lifted a plate from the table, inspected it closely,turned it over, gazed contemplatively at its reversed side, and,poising it deftly upon the point of three fingers, quietly remarked:--

  "The gentlemen, I judge, have been in Texas?"

  "They have," I replied: "we three were there together."

  "Ah!"

  It was all he said. I might add, it was all that could be said.

  At this point, Dick and the major rejoined us. Their eyes showed tracesof recent tears. They were still wiping their faces with theirhandkerchiefs. With that refinement which is characteristic of truegentlemen, and which seeks concealment of any extraordinary emotion,they had considerately retired to indulge their laughter.

  "I am delighted," continued our guest, after Dick and the major hadresumed their seats, "I am delighted to find myself in company with menof experience. I feel that you will not question the veracity of mystory, or fail to appreciate the outcome of my enterprises. At the endof two years, my property was distributed promiscuously throughout theState, and I was reduced to the necessity of making one final venture torecoup myself for the losses which, to the astonishment of the entireTexan community, I assured them I had met. I was the only man, as theyasserted, 'that had ever failed to make a magnificent success in Texas.'

  "You can readily conceive, gentlemen, that I was determined to make nomistake in my final venture. There were other reasons, beside the one ofcaution, which persuaded me to begin with a moderate investment; so Ibought one cow. It was impossible for me to make a mistake from such abeginning. Every person in Texas that had rapidly risen to financialeminence had started with one cow. Many a time had a Texan ranchmanswept his hand with a royal gesture over a landscape of flowers andMesquite brush, dotted with thousands of cattle, and exclaimed,'Stranger, I started this yer ranch with one cow.' And then he wouldtake out a piece of chalk and figure out to me on his saddle how thatone cow had multiplied herself into seven thousand five hundred andtwenty-three other cows, which had proceeded to promptly multiplythemselves, 'regular as the seasons come round, sir,' in the samereckless manner, until it was evident that the number of her progeny wasactually curtailed by the size of the saddle and the lack of chalk. Now,I was eager to possess a cow with such a multiplication-tableattachment, and, being unable to wait even ten years before I couldtingle with the sensation of being a millionnaire ranchman. I decided toshorten the probationary stage by half, and so I purchased two cows."

  At this point, Dick rolled over upon the grass, and the major wasdoubled up as with sudden pain. As for myself, I confess I could notrestrain my emotions. I had been through the same experience as hadfallen to my guest, and I appreciated the sanguine characteristics ofhis temperament, which prompted him to the investment, and the humor ofthe situation. I laughed till my eyes flowed with tears, and thestillness of the foot-hills resounded with the unrestrained merriment ofthe entire camp.

  The humor of our guest was truly American, the humor of suggestiverestraint and exaggeration both. He narrated his experiences, which hadresulted in the loss of his fortune and the collapse of his hopes, witha face like a deacon's, and with a quaint and most charming sense of theludicrousness of the position--a position of which he himself was thecause and central object. He fairly represented that type of men whocombine in their composition that which is most practical andimaginative alike; whose energy can subdue a continent, and whoseboastfulness would awaken contempt if it were not palliated by themagnitude of their achievements. A humor that is often barbed, but whichis most willingly directed against one's self; but, whether directedagainst the humorist or his neighbor, carries no poison upon its pointand leaves no wound to rankle.

  "My financial condition," said our guest, resuming, "my financialcondition at the time I made this final investment contributed to thehopefulness of my mood, and made me feel the excitement of a recklessspeculation, for, though my two cows only cost me seventeen dollars andfifty cents each, nevertheless, when the purchase was concluded, and thegoods delivered, and I had made a careful inventory of my remainingassets,--a business proceeding which the average Texan found itnecessary to go through about once in two weeks, in order that he mightknow what his financial standing was, or whether he had any standing atall,--when, I say, the purchase was consummated, and an inventory of myremaining assets made, I discovered that the two cows had swallowed upnearly my entire estate, and that a few dollars of farther expenditurewould plunge me into bottomless insolvency. I must confess that thisdisclosure of my financial condition added zest to the undertaking, andfilled me with that fine excitement which accompanies a desperatespeculation. I have always felt that another cow would have made afinancier of me, and that I could have taken my place among my brethrenin Wall Street without a tremor of the muscles or the least sense ofinferiority.

  "The cows were both black in color; so black that they would make a spotin the darkness of the blackest night that ever gloomed under thecypresses of the Guadaloupe. 'If those cows,' I said to myself as Ilooked them over, 'if those cows ever do bring forth calves at the ratethat the Texan of whom I purchased them figured out on his saddle,they'll put the whole State under an eclipse.'

  "I cannot say,--speaking with that restraint which I have alwayscultivated,--I cannot say, ladies and gentlemen, that I regarded eithercow with any great affection. There were peculiarities about them, whichchecked the outgoing of my emotional nature. They had a way of lookingat me through the wire fence, that made me feel grateful to the inventorof barbed wire. I cannot describe the look exactly. It was a direct,earnest, steady, intense inspection of my person, that made me feel outof place, as it were, and caused me to remember that I had duties athome, which required me to get there as rapidly as possible.

  "One morning, seeing that the basis of my speculation was near thecentre of the field, and busily feeding on the bountiful growths ofnature, I crept softly through the wires of the fence that I mightgather some pecan nuts under a big tree that stood some twenty rodsaway. I reached the tree in safety, and proceeded to pick up the nuts. Ihad filled one pocket only when I heard a noise behind me, and, lookingup, I saw that all the profits of my stock speculation, and all my stockitself, were coming toward me on a jump. I was never more collected inmy life. My mind instantly reached the conclusion that the pecan cropthat year was so large in Texas that it would not pay to pick up anothernut under that tree; that the whole thing should stand over, as it were,until another fall, and that, the sooner I retired from that field, thebetter it would be for me and the few pecans I had about me.

  "Acting in harmony with this conclusion,--which to my mind carried withit the force of a demonstration,--I started for the wire fence. I haveno doubt but that the line of my movement was absolutely straight. Iassure you, gentlemen, that if cows had multiplied in my businessconnection as rapidly as they did in my imagination during the nextsixty seconds of time, I should have been in Texas to this day. Thewhole field was actually alive with cows. I reached the fence just onejump ahead of the oldest cow, and, seeing no reason why I should taketime to crawl through between the wires, I lifted myself over the airyobstruction in a manner that must have convinced that old animated bitof blackness that I had absolute ownership in every nut about me. Thislittle episode supplied me with material for reflection for at least aweek, and made me realize that any northern man that enters into aspeculation with Texas cows as a basis must keep his eyes open, and notallow his thoughts to be diverted by any side issues, like pecan nuts,while the business is developing.

  "The six
th morning after my speculation had arrived at the ranch, myprofits began to roll in upon me,--or, to state it more practically, andin a business-like manner, the oldest cow produced a calf. This raisedmy spirits, and made me feel that my business was fairly started. I wentto my stock-book and promptly made an entry as follows: 7523-1. Thismeant that there were only seven thousand five hundred and twenty-_two_yet to realize on; that is, if seven thousand five hundred andtwenty-two calves should promptly come to time, seeing that one calf hadalready actually come to time, my herd would be complete. I think,gentlemen, you can readily understand my feelings as I stoodcontemplating the first fruition of my hopes from behind a tree. The cowwas securely tied, but still from habit I took my usual position wheninspecting my stock. My mood was very hopeful. I felt as every Texanfelt, in those days, when by some